Insane Senario #1 : Fart or Depart

OK Ladies *cough*,

We've all been there. Caught in the moment with the lights low, Phineas and Ferb muted on the television, setting off a romantic glow to the room.

There's a path through the jungle of toys in the hall that leads to your room, and the husband is giving you the Hurry! The kids have been asleep for 38 minutes, it's now or never! look. And you're so excited you forget to bookmark your E-reader full of mommy porn before you power down. You don't care that you look like you've been smoking the rock all day or that it's laundry Tuesday, and you had to put on your last pair of clean panties (aka spare bikini bottoms).

 Hell, you don't even go pee before hand for fear that flushing the toilet will wake the monsters kids up. So you rush into the bedroom, tear off your high school marching band slash sleep shirt and whisper yell, "Hurry the fuck up!".

Now I don't live in fantasy land... usually. So I read my mommy porn and I enjoy it. But it isn't real life. I've never had a 6' 4" hunky lumberjack that took me on the handlebar of his Harley while singing me Barry Manilow. Nor have I had that perfect-no mess-everything felt amazing even when it shouldn't have-and I have the flexibility of Gumby-sex. It isn't like in the movies, when they take you back to some 5star hotel and you get started rounding second base before you excuse yourself to the restroom with a constipated  flirty look and explain that your going to change into something more comfortable.

I mean, yeah. Sometimes you get a moment in life before to freshen up. But not when it's at it's best. Not when you are so caught up in the heat of the moment you can't stand the though of waiting for any reason. Now we are all in different relationships statuses, so let's experiment...

You're single and it's been a while forever since you had a visitor knocking at the door to Oz that doesn't require AA batteries. You're at an awesome bar with your BFFs and in walks ____________ (insert hot celebrity man candy name). He. Wants. You. Are we excited yet?

He takes you back to his penthouse suite. You can't take your hands off each other. He spreads you out on the bed and starts to do things you only read about happening in stables during a thunderstorm. He goes to lift your leg up over his shoulder, or wants to take you from behind. Hell, he's just bending you around like you're made of Olympic gold medals and it's fucking amazing. But then it hits you. The one thing that will make you go from bedroom eyes to loony tunes face in point three seconds.

Gas.

Not just pressure. An all out poop particle war diving for your exit like it's in a high speed chase. It's there and it's ugly. There's no telling if it will be a silent and pretty gush-of-summer-breeze-dud or a loud screeching brakes noise accompanied by the smell of sulfur and burning hair. Either way it's almost out and it's the fart of Mordor.. one does not simply hold this one in.

So what do you do??

You have ONE shot with this stud.

These are my fears:
The bathroom is connected to the bedroom so if you run in there he may hear you. It might linger out into the room! 
Or how hot would it be to hear you spraying the air freshener before you strut your freshly febreezed booty back out?
Do you let it rip? Because let's face it, you're in the throes, the holy grail of throes!
And if you ask him to wait he may figure out why and be disgusted.
Or you just gave him a minute to have a reality check and he's decided picking up a drunk girl in a bar who can stop mid-throes was a horrible idea. And he finds an excuse not to continue.

I've been with my husband for a while forever, so we are comfortable enough to stop, or at least pause for a second. So it wouldn't kill me if it slipped out (but I would ugly cry for a solid 4 hours after).

Because I can't just... there are so, so many reasons why. The smell and sound would be bad enough, but what if you could feel it?? What if it blew at his happy trail like a warm wind through a wheat field? OR!! Good Lord! What if he could taste it??  Just no. Nothing good could come from that. Because if he ended up liking or appreciating any of the sensations mentioned above... no. It would be bad enough that the amazing-holy fuck-is this really happening-sex was ruined. That would ruin my imaginative love/lust feelings for said stud, and that is unacceptable.

Then there would be that awkward moment where I had to call the police on said hunk. Because he's fucking insane (that's the kind of shit that cereal killers enjoy.. j/s)

I couldn't do it. I would have to stop him with some horrible lie about a sudden nose bleed. Grab the sheet and knock over every object in my path in hopes of covering up the bullfrog escaping my bum. Then I'd bolt outta that hotel and stop at the first place that sold razor blades and vodka.

But we're talking about a one night stand with the man of your dreams...So what would you do in my insanely improbable scenario? Toot toot or scoot scoot?